Spot the difference

Hans Moretti

Probably the best illusionist ever. A regular on The Paul Danials Magic Show, I best illusion I remember is when he stuck a bowie knife through his forearm, moved it along the length, then removed it withou a scratch or scar. Amazing...

Krakow visit - Auchwitz

Whilst in Krakow we went on the tour around the Auchwitz concentration camps. Not what you'd call a barrel of laughs but that's not really the point of it. It was a very moving experience to realise you were walking around an area where numerous thousands of people were put to death simply for not being perfect Germans (it was not just Jews sent here, also Russians, Poles, Romany gypsies, homosexuals etc.) .

You might not be able, gentle reader, to visualise the scale of this operation. By visiting the site and being stood in front of displays which contain just a fraction of the suitcases, spectacles and childrens toys which were brought to the camp by the 'visitors' really brings it to life.

By visiting the Birkenau sitewhere most of the prisoners were housed you can not only see the dehumanising conditions they were subjected to, but also the incredible size of the camp (approx 1 mile long by 1 mile) which they were cramped into.

Krakow visit - Prince Charles

Whilst wandering round the Jewish Quarter during my recent visit to Krakow a large crowd of spectators was viewed crowded round a cluster of police vehicles. Naturally, curiosity got the better of myself and my chum so we went to enquire what was going on.

"Charles and Camilla have just gone into the Synagogue" we were informed.

"Oh" we thought, "lets hang about then and cheer like good royalists".

As a result, I managed to capture a couple of snaps of the heir to the throne which I thought I'd share with you.

Digital TV switchover

The analogue TV signal is due to be turned off across the country between now and 2012 to be replaced by the digital signal.

For anyone who is unfamiliar with digital TV it is a means to get another stash of cash out of you to purchase a receiver box, then, once you have one, spend the next 20 years trying to get a consistant signal out of it. Unlike the analogue signal, if you do not have a sufficiently strong signal, you get nothing. Gone are the days of squinting at a snowy picture to try and ascertain whats happening, and believe me, it's even more difficult following the plot of Midsummer Murders when all you can see is "No Signal".

And God help you if you don't have a roof mounted aerial. I currently have an indoor aerial, located on my windowsill, which has 2 signal boosters on it and by simply putting 2 large boxes in the vicinity of the receiver box and aerial has caused the loss of about a quarter of the channels and rendered a further quarter to intermittent breaks in the signal.

And, to compound the problems, by attempting to arrange the aerial to improve the reception, it fucks ups the reception of the analogue signal.

So unless someything happens to strengthen the signal, it looks like, due to the removal of the analogue signal and the inconsistancy of the digital signal, that the 2012 Olympics will be watched by only those in strong sgnal areas or who have Sky.

Anyone would think that Rupert Murdoch has some kind of influence over the government of the day. Surely not...

Barry Bethal - an icon falls from grace

In a follow up to one of my many enquiries regarding faces from the past I've discovered this little gem about Mr Bethel. Granted it's 2 years old by time of reproduction but it was at least posted after my initial post:-

"To the dimly-lit back roads of the Cotswolds, where the fortunes of once-famous
diet-endorser Barry "I Can't Believe I Was That Fat!" Bethel, have taken a distinct turn
for the worse. Barry (58, 20st) was once a little-known but incredibly heavy disc jockey
spinning new romantic tunes at eighties weddings, until one night his life was changed
forever. The turning point came when sweat from Barry's blubbery body dripped onto his
turntables, fusing the equipment and resulting in a minor explosion which singed his eyebrows and upset a nearby bridesmaid.

Badly injured, and bedridden for days with the shock, Barry's wife was forced to finally confront the horror. Beryl Bethel came to see exactly what the incessant pies and pasties had done to her husband, and she decided to take action. Knowing her partner's predilection for milky drinks, Beryl hurried down Londis to buy up their entire stock of the new-fangled 'Slim-Fast Shakes', a development in dieting technology loud-mouthed neighbours had mentioned to her over the garden fence.

Within a few months of subsisting solely on this strange concoction, a chemical slop which swells in the human stomach to make a flabbo feel full and a bit like John Hurt in Alien before the monster bursts out of his chest, Barry was as skinny as Jose Mourinho and happier than a sandboy. On hearing this amazing story of fatboy triumph, the Slim-Fast publicity department recruited Barry to star in a prime-time advert which gained iconic status throughout the nineties.
"I can't believe I was that fat! Me! Barry Bethel!" These words resounded out of TV sets across the UK, inspiring millions of porkers to down revolting pink concoctions in the hope of magically shedding a few pounds. Barry milked the ensuing fame dry, appearing in panto and on celebrity cruises, minor celeb spoils which combined with repeat fees to pay for the Bethels' dream home, a cottage at the foot of a limestone hill in picturesque Gloucestershire. Sadly, after a few years of this idyllic lifestyle, Barry's wife began to notice something wrong. Her husband had become
increasingly withdrawn, spending whole days on his computer and sometimes disappearing in the middle of the night without explanation. Only after the police called to say Barry was in hospital suffering from exposure and likely to be charged with multiple lewd offences, did Beryl finally discover the truth.

Following a trawl of his sexy web-site favourites last Wednesday, Barry arranged to meet with a group of like-minded men in a darkened lane on the outskirts of Bath to watch a couple of exhibitionists 'do the nasty' in a parked Saab. A few minutes into these naughty dogging antics and several middle-aged individuals were gathered to observe the man and woman inside, a couple who suddenly halted their foreplay to produce a pair of shotguns from the back seat. These weren't willing doggers after all, but professional hold-up merchants Trevor and Julie Backwash, two armed chavs who make a career from preying on the foolish and sexually weird of Western England.

The now-flaccid doggers were ordered to give up their wallets and mobile phones before the criminal duo made them strip at gunpoint, stole their clothes, then tied the men up before driving away giggling. The naked perverts were finally found five hours later by a passing milkman who took several polaroids before alerting the authorities. Barry now faces months in prison for indecent behaviour as well as a stay in hospital to treat his pneumonia.

Meanwhile Beryl has gone to stay with her mother for an indefinite period and The Sunday People yesterday bought the rights to several photos of a blue-tinged Bethel hopping around ploughed fields in the nod. These photos will accompany a major story in the paper this weekend, under the headline 'Once-Fat Dogger Loses Everything - Amazing Exclusive!"

I don't know what is more of a shock, the doggingor the fact the Big Barry is 58!!!!

Bet he wished he was still just an anonymous fat f*cker rather than a mostly forgotten z-list skinney-stickboy 'celebrity'.

Sven Hassel

Joined the local library the other Friday (these half day Fridays are fantastic) and managed to pick up 3 Sven Hassel books. I thought these little gems were out of print... Been a few years since I read them but am really looking forward to having another read.

In case you weren't aware of this writer, he was a member of a Germal penal unit during the Second World War and the books are loosely based on his experiences, primarily on the Eastern front.

I heartily recommend you read these books if you get the chance to read them.

P.S. Support your local library.Use it or lose it.

Wars around the world are both less frequent and less deadly since the end of the Cold War, a new report claims.
The Human Security Report found a decline in every form of political violence except terrorism since 1992.
It found the number of armed conflicts had fallen by more than 40% in the past 13 years, while the number of very deadly wars had fallen by 80%.

Sounds like bollocks to me.

Cold war ended 1989 with the fall of the Berlin Wall. Since then there has been a war in the Balkans, two Gulf wars, at least one genocide in Brundi, Somalia, Liberia and Somalia apiece, not forgetting the ethnic clensing in Bosnia and Zimbawe.

Not sure what period they're comparing it with but I'm guessing it included both World Wars, which can't count in a comparison of 'peace time' conflicts as they were chuffing wars (there is a clue in the name, especially WW1 which was subtitled 'The Great War' and 'The war to end all wars').

New, New Labour

Trying to create a Utopian society, based on the ideal that everyone is equal (although some are still more equal than others);

Arresting old men and holding them without charge under the Terrorism Act;

Herding socially unacceptable families into ghettoes (sorry secure areas);

Starting a war for the greater good of the populus.

Has socialism gone national..?

TV 'clip shows'

why is it only H list 'celebrities' appear on clip shows such as "I love the...", "Greatest...", "Worst..." etc.

If anyone gave a shit as to their opinion, they would be given thier own TV series. They haven't and so they get put on crap like this.

Why bother???

Politics

You will note that I was very quiet during the recent industrial action which dragged BA back into financial shit. I guessed that my position on the matter would be taken as red, so refrained from passing comment. Most unusual I know.

I will pass opinion on the Tory leadership battle though...

Ken Clarke - at least you know what he can do, and he's appears to be at one with the general slobs;

David Davies - bit posh, doubt he can be trusted;

David Cameron - best bet for a brighter future, but possibly not just jet;

Liam Fox & Theresa May - no, just no;

Sir Malcolm Rifkind - just 'cos he got back in Scotland does not equate to a majority to form Government;

Andrew Lansley & David Willetts - who?

My suggestion - Ken (as lng as he leaves Europe well alone) with David Cameron in a senior position to give him a bit of experience.

Job's a good 'un, it's that simple. Trust me, I'm not a polititian.

Hurricane Katrina

It would appear that Fats Domino is missing as a result of the recent floods in New Orleans.

I hope he is found safe and well, as are all other people currently unaccounted for.

Yes, I'm hoping Americans are OK... but your average Joe Soap Hillbilly doesn't deserve to be killed by Mother Nature just because their sub-normal retarded President is on the payroll of major American and Saudi oilmen and completely fails to appreciate America's role in polluting the environment and will continue to advocate doing so until more cities are destroyed by the very force they seek to ignore.

Moral of this story: YOU CAN NEVER DEFEAT THE FORCES OF NATURE, SO DON'T
PISS THEM OFF!!!

Crocodiles

You should not trust a crocodile...

No animal should be allowed to exist that is as quick on land as it is in the water.

They are a bunch of sneaky bastards and should be wiped of the face of the Earth.

No offence, Mr Croc.

McDonalds

If, as McD suggest "I'm loving it", why would I need to be subjected to their shit adverts? Surely I'd already be at the drive though (due to me being too fucking lazy, or fat, to get out of my car and walk to the counter) ordering their fat laden shit-arse burgers.

If you want my business, don't tell me how much someone else likes this stuff. I want to be told that it'll make a man of me and make me desirable to women. (I'm thinking those cigarette companies go it right in the past.)

Otherwise, be honest and point out that excessive eating of your fatty product will ensure I gain several pound, turn my skin greasier than an authentic kebab, increase my blood presssure and generally fuck up any chance of being healthy for the next several generations.

I am not trying to claim that their rival are any better, but as Morgan Spurlock argues, they are the best known brand and should be challenged.

PS. The salad options of all fast food outlets contain as many calories as the burgers (due to the dressing). Either give the dressing a miss and suffer the blandness of the salad or get your already fat arse down to M&S and get as decent salad which can be eaten without several layers of dressing (or god forbid, go to the supermarket, buy some salad stuff and make your own).

Football

"Edgar Davids is poised to join Tottenham from Inter Milan on a free transfer subject to a medical and agreeing personal terms. "

I'd like to point out that Mr Davids is one of numerous inter players who have refused to come on the pre-season friendly tour of Britain due to "security fears" as a result of the underground bombings.

I wonder, how often is he planning on travelling on the Tube once he's over here? I suspect that Spurs are prepared to pay him enough to be able to afford to pay the Congestion Charge on a daily basis so that his personal chauffeur can avoid such unpleasentness.

Maybe all professional footballers (and other overpaid sportsmen, no wait that's it) should get their agents to include this as part of any transfer and contract offers.

They probably already do and I'm giving them too much credit for not having thought of it.

Doctor Who (new series)

Popular 1970s character Sarah Jane, played by Elisabeth Sladen, will join new Doctor Who actor David Tennant.

Rather it was Perri (below).

Retirement

"Britons should have to work until they are 67 before they receive a state pension, a new report has suggested.
The higher age for payments should be introduced between 2020 and 2030, according to the Institute of Public Policy Research report."

Why don't we just not bother retiring and continue to work until we drop dead? At least that way we don't have to save for a pension (which will be worth fuck all by retirement age anyway) and we can reduce our National Insurance contributions.

Wait, I've just realised...

Scrooge McBrown would have to find a new way of removing our money from us.

He's already taxed the pension funds (the only effect of which has been to obliterate any chance of having sufficient fund to retire) and incorporated the NI contribution into the general Treasury coffers (rather than keeping it separate to pay for the NHS and other people's pensions).

Maybe this is their plan:

Use the lure of retirement as a giant carrot to keep us paying into the scroungers slush fund (or Welfare State to use it's official name) but never allow the hard working masses to ever retrieve anything from it.

On a slightly related topic, I wonder how much more you get on benefits as opposed to living off the state pension? And what the fuck have the have these people got to retire from?

The luck of the Scots

You've got to feel a little sorry for Scotland when it comes to sport.

They invariably get drawn against Brazil for their first game in the footie World Cup and now they've got an opener against Australia in the cricket.

Never mind, its expensive being away for that second week of a tournament.

Choice

Fee-charging cash machines (ATMs) are aiding rather than hurting consumer choice, the government has said.
The government welcomed the spread of over 20,000 fee-charging ATMs as convenient and not posing a threat to the free-to-use machine network.

How come whenever a government think tank encourages us to have a choice about something it csts us money?

Failure

Liz Beattie, a retired teacher, will call on the association's annual gathering in Buxton, Derbyshire, to "delete the word 'fail' from the educational vocabulary to be replaced with the concept of 'deferred success'".

I'm saying nothing...